Worse than a Dirty Baby

As I sit here with the remote resting on my five month pregnant stomach, sharing Baskin-Robbins Cookie Dough Ice Cream with my cat, Noel...I am reflecting on the baby things I should and shouldn't have purchased when I was pregnant with Little Ethan.  I will be a more educated Mommy this time around!

Things I thought were weird and stupid before I had a baby, but now I know better:

• Nuby Snack Keeper:  Apparently, babies like to throw food....and sometimes family members even encourage their throwing by cracking up at the action.  Nuby Snack Keepers allow solid food snackers to reach into the bowl and grab their own snacks without dumping the whole bowl over.  The result - no more spills or throws and no more giggling family members.

• Munchkin Dishwasher Basket: When you're a mommy, bottles and bottle accessories become your calling card.  I leave something almost everywhere I go.  Therefore, I am always short on bottles.  Until I got the dishwasher basket, I also lost a lot of bottles and accessories to the heating element in my dishwasher.  A good life lesson - a melted nipple is never a good thing.

Things I will not purchase this time around or for any of the bazillion pregnant friends I have:

• Shopping Cart Protectors: This is a completely personal opinion.  I know people that use them and love them.  Personally, I have enough to carry - a baby, a diaper bag (stocked with diapers, wipes, toys, sippy cups, bottles, my wallet, my keys, the baby's toy keys, etc.)  I cannot imagine one more thing to wrestle with while walking into a store.

• Baby Towels:  They are the same thing as washcloths.  Now I have a million washcloths with monkeys and whales on them.  I literally have enough to do multiple loads of laundry composed of only baby towels.  In my house, many of them are now expensive cleaning rags.
• Burt's Bees Baby Shampoo: It smells worse than a dirty baby.

20 down, 20 to go.

Today, I am officially 20 weeks pregnant.  I am HALFWAY to the end of being pregnant and the beginning of being even sleepier!  On the car ride to work today, I found myself reflecting on the pros and cons of pregnancy.  Here are a few I came up with...

WARNING: continue reading at your own risk.  This is a TRUTHFUL blog post about pregnancy.

Pros at 20 Weeks	Cons at 20 Weeks
At 20 weeks pregnant, you have what others consider a “cute” bump.	You feel fat.
Food tastes delicious and doesn’t make you queasy anymore.	Delicious food gives you forest fire strength heartburn.
You can walk around in the heat without wanting to be sick or pass out.	When you walk around, your ankles look like the Nutty Professor
Your hair looks the best it’s ever looked.	However, you know as soon as you have the baby, a lot of your hair will fall out.
You’re curvier in all the right places.	You have stretch marks in all the right places too.
You can still see your legs when you’re shaving them in the shower.	You pull a muscle in your back when you lean over to shave your legs.
Your skin is glowing.	Your skin has skin tags.
You can feel your baby kick.	Your baby likes to practice Kung Fu while you are sleeping.
You made it through 20 weeks of being pregnant, including the dreaded 1st trimester	Wait a second…I still have 20 weeks to go and haven’t even made it to the dreaded third trimester!

Good luck to all the other mommies and future mommies who are also halfway there!

Moms I'd Like to Punch.

I am extremely upset that I did not write this...

"Who are MILPs?

MILPs are a growing group of annoying, offensive moms who are a menace to the general population of weary moms innocently minding their own business, and just trying to survive till the next nap. Their sole mission in life is to make your life harder and to question your own judgment, while advancing their own evil mom agendas. While most MILPs are merely clueless, self-absorbed and insecure, the most hardened MILPs can be judgmental, obnoxious, intrusive and downright dangerous.  Here's a list of the worst offenders:

Sanctimommies

These sanctimonious, holier-than-thou moms are my arch-enemies. Yet I'll be the first to admit that I have my own inner sanctimommy moments all the time. This uptight breed of mom can be recognized with their permanently pursed lips, constantly rolling eyes and eyebrows raised in disbelief at your inept parenting. Under the veil of anonymity, these moms get their judgmental fix on the Internet by trolling parenting message boards and persecuting moms who work, circumcise, use pacifiers, don't breastfeed through grade school, don't practice attachment parenting, watch TV, use disposable diapers and don't buy organic. Emboldened by their bullying success, some moms graduate to...

Drive-by parents

This mom is known for her hit-and-run style of snarky color commentating. She's that mom in the checkout line at the grocery store who will hiss in disapproval and dismay at the balloon and lollipop you allow the checkout clerk to hand to your toddler by saying, "I hope you know that those are both choking hazards!" and zoom off. These moms are the most insidious because they hastily leave the scene of their crime before the shocked victims can react -- or retaliate.

Typhoid Marys

Their kids are always, always sick and they never, ever keep them home from school or playdates. Even if their kids are home with diarrhea and vomiting from the rotovirus, these moms will drop off the homemade muffins lovingly made with their infected hands for the entire class to share at the Christmas party their darlings were forced to miss. Whenever there's an outbreak of any contagion, you can be sure that their kids are patient zero! 

Germaphobes

Conversely, these germ vigilantes are the natural enemies of the clueless Typhoid Marys. They're always on the alert for cooties and will shoot you the stink eye if your child so much as sneezes or farts in their child's general direction. These moms never leave home without Lysol wipes and Purell in their diaper bag and can be seen barking, "Don't Touch That!" to their offspring in public restrooms.

Alpha moms

She's the momager who micromanages every detail of the class holiday party and is quick to smack down any parent who dares to deviate from how she wants things done. She is usually PTA president or room parent at your school and rules her fiefdom with a well-manicured, iron fist.

Hovercraft mom

If she could wind bubble wrap around her child, she would. This quintessentially overprotective mom hovers within striking distance of her offspring and yours (if they dare approach) at all times. She monitors every interaction, poised to intervene if your child so much as crosses their eyes at her precious.

Slactivist moms

These are the totally inattentive moms at the park who either pretend not to notice and/or simply don't care that their feral, freakishly large-for-their-age, hell spawn are running amok, knocking your toddler down and kicking sand in their face. Yet any attempt on your part to impose order is met with a glacial stare and outright hostility.

Road warriors

Cocooned in their oversized SUVs, these moms are a menace during drop-off and pick-up times at school. Double-parking, blocking driveways, rear-ending cars with their piss-poor parallel parking skills and hitting pedestrians are all in a day's work. These moms are the most dangerous of MILPs and the traffic cops are never around to slap them with a badly-needed citation. They need to put down their lip gloss wands and cell phones and go back to driving school."

Written by Minsun Park from the following website:

sheknow.com

Not a Reverse Henry the Eighth

On Monday, Sammy, Christian, Kelly, my Dad, Ethan, Little Ethan, and I sat in the sonogram waiting area.  My posse and I stood around entertaining Little Ethan and trying not to take up too much room in the hallway.  I was nervous...if you've ever been pregnant, you know that you get nervous every time before an appointment (I often find myself wondering if the kicks I feel are just my imagination and praying that I will hear the heartbeat as soon as the doctor looks for it).

They called my name and actually pronounced it correctly (typically my name is Susan Wart to strangers)!  Our large group filed into the little dark sonogram room and the technician began to get an overwhelmed look on her face.  She decided it would be best if our guests came in and out of the room in shifts.

Sammy and Kelly took the first shift.  As soon as the sonogram started, we saw our little one wiggling like a maniac (phew!).  The sonogram technician took some measurements and Sammy commented that he was surprised how low the baby was....I bet he was surprised.  I was a little panicked when I had to roll my pants down to my bathing suit line.

As our little guy was screaming in the waiting room, I was thinking, "Little brother or little sister?  Little brother or little sister?"  Ethan wasn't wondering about anything, he even said "Look at my little boy" as soon as he saw the baby on the screen.

We were shocked when the technician said, "This is a little girl".  I must admit, tears streamed down my face.  I had been worrying that I would have the reverse Henry VIII issue and only have boys.  Don't get me wrong, I love my little boy...but there is something nice about having one of your own kind.

Our Little Girl

Kelly, my Dad, and Little Ethan came in for their shift and I told Little Ethan that he was going to have a little sister.  My dad immediately got my mom on speaker phone and asked her if she had all of her pink stuff ready.  She burst in to tears and choked out the words, "Susanne May, you're going to have a daughter".

After all of that, we got to watch our wiggly little girl while the technician took other measurements.  I am pleased to report that everything looked perfect.  We even got to see her nose and mouth...there was no sign of a cleft chin...yet.

Over 140, but Carrying Low

It's 1 hour and 10 minutes until we find out whether our baby is a boy or a girl.  I am VERY excited and wondering about the validity of all the "old wives's tales".  So, I decided to put them to the test.  In an hour and nine minutes, we will know how accurate they are....

• The Ring Test: Take your wedding ring and attach it to a thread. Hold the dangling item over mom-to-be's belly while she is lying down. If the needle or wedding ring swings in a strong circular motion, you will be having a girl. If it moves in a to and fro motion like a pendulum, you will be having a boy.  THE VERDICT: BOY
• Sweet cravings means you're having a boy.  Sour cravings means you're having a girl.  THE VERDICT: BOY
• If you are carrying low, you're having a boy.  If you're carrying high, you're having a girl.  THE VERDICT: BOY
• If your husband is gaining weight, you're having a boy.  If he isn't, you're having a girl: THE VERDICT: GIRL
• Fetal heartbeat of below 140 means boy.  Above 140 means girl: THE VERDICT: GIRL
• Chinese Gender Predictor: Legend says that the gender chart is more than 700 years old and was discovered in a royal tomb. It predicts your baby's sex based on your Chinese lunar age at the time you got pregnant and the Chinese lunar month in which you conceived.  THE VERDICT: GIRL
• Mother's Intuition: Supposedly correct 70% of the time.  THE VERDICT: I'M TOO CONFUSED AT THIS POINT.  I originally thought I was having a girl.  However, everyone else in the world seems to think I am having a boy, which has swayed my "intuition".

I guess only time (and a conclusive sonogram) will tell!  We will have the results in 55 minutes!!!!!!!

Do Not Call Dr. John C. Langley

I would consider myself to be a pretty laid back mom.  However, when Little Ethan's head felt like it was a thousand degrees I was frantic.  I was even more worried because we were on vacation and away from our normal pediatrician.  I grabbed my phone and googled "Key West Doctor".  I clicked on the third link down and got the contact information for Dr. John C. Langley.

He picked up his phone at 7:30 am when I called, which I thought was a good sign.  Unfortunately, that was the last good thing he did.  I told him about the little guy's fever and he told me it was probably a middle ear infection and that he would be able to come to us and check him out.  He explained that he had two appointments and would be able to see us by late morning.

Little Ethan went down for his morning nap and I felt relieved that a doctor would be there soon.  When nap time was over, I went to pick my baby up and he was ever warmer than he was before (even though he had already taken baby Tylenol).  My mind immediately went to brain damage and all sorts of other terrible scenarios.  It was around 10:30, so I rushed to my phone and called the doctor.  He sounded annoyed that I called and stressed to me that there was a line and I was going to have to wait my turn.  After that, he told me that my child was fine and to give him another dose of baby Tylenol or try baby Advil.  He then told me that it was just a fever from an ear infection.

I drove to CVS almost taking out every biker and pedestrian that crossed my path.  I got baby Advil and a thermometer.  As I drove back, I decided that if his fever was over 102 degrees that I would call 911.  His fever was 101, so we stayed put to wait for the doctor.

At 11:00, Dr. Langley called me and told me he was his way to his second patient and that he would get to us at 12:15.  He finally showed up around 1:00 pm in a rumpled light blue polo shirt covered in perspiration.

As my child laid on my shoulder burning up from fever, he went on and on about how he likes to make children comfortable with him before he examines them.  He pulled out a pack of stickers for my 12 month old to play with (like he even knows what a sticker is).  About an hour into the appointment, he still hadn't looked at the baby. 

When he finally did, he was grabbing at Little Ethan's face with his unwashed hands in an attempt to look in his ears.  He told me that one of his ears was infected (even though he couldn't get a clear look at it because it was impacted by wax).  Dr. Langley listened to his lungs and told me they were clear.  He pulled out a bunch of dirty conversion charts in order to write a prescription.  He had to do the math multiple times because he kept confusing himself.  To my surprise, he never looked at his throat, teeth, nose, or any other party of him.  I mentioned a rash that had developed on his shoulders and pulled back Little Ethan's shirt for him to see.  He didn't seem very interested and diagnosed it as heat rash.

What I showed Dr. Langley

At this point, my little guy was asleep on my should and burning up.  Dr. Langley had been with us for two hours and was still going on and on about how he has so many patients that need things to be converted to metric and how his daughter was a fashion consultant who traveled to China and Venice.  Finally, he told us that he would need $280 for the visit....cash only.  Thank goodness my mother had the amount so we could get rid of him.

Because of his clumsiness with conversions, I called me regular pediatrician to check his work.  They told me that the antibiotic he gave me was correct.  However, he also instructed me to give him a children's strength anti-histamine (even though he had no congestion).  My pediatrician seemed shocked - that type of medicine is not supposed to be used on anyone younger than four.

Even though I was disgusted with Dr. Langley's behavior, professionalism, and dirty appearance, I was happy to have the anti-biotic.  I figured it would help any sort of infection that he had.

Later that evening, the baby seemed to be feeling better.  We went to get in the car for dinner and to our surprise, a car pulled up next to ours and rolled down the window.  It was Dr. Langley again.  We quickly answered his questions so he would go away.  I don't know why he was right outside of the place we were staying, but I do know that it gave me the creeps.

After dinner, we experienced the night from hell.  Little Ethan was up all night screaming out and hyperventilating in pain.  I ended up bursting into tears while my mother rocked the baby....thank goodness she was here. 

The next morning, my mom and I felt and looked like we had been hit my a bus.  However, Little Ethan seemed to be doing better.  His fever had broken thanks to the Tylenol and motrin we had been giving him and he was in a better mood.  The only thing that changed was that his rash looked blistered.  I figured that since he had such a high fever, it probably made the heat rash worse.

After Little Ethan's second nap of the day, we were all hopeful that he had turned a corner.  The little guy and I walked outside and found my mom.  I showed her the blister on one of his hands and told her that the fever must have made his heat rash worse.  Then, I flipped over his arm to examine the underside.....which was completely broken out in  rash that was not there an hour ago.

My mom and I rushed to the car with Little Ethan, who wasn't even wearing any pants.  Thank goodness my mom found out about a clinic earlier (she wanted to make sure we never had to use Dr. Langley again).  We arrived at 4:45 to find out that it closed at 4:30.  I was about to burst into tears again when a nurse walked out of the clinic.  I jumped out of the car and explained our predicament.

She was incredible.  She had us follow her to an after hours clinic and even stayed until our appointment was over.  I could go into detailed description about how wonderful and professional the people at the clinic were, but that would take away from the point.

The diagnosis - NO EAR INFECTION.  My poor little man has Hand Foot and Mouth Disease.  It is a painful virus that causes rash and blisters (specifically on the hands, feet, and mouth), sore throat, and a high fever.

My Baby's Foot

I would like to apologize for the incredibly long post, but when I looked up Dr. John C. Langley, I couldn't find anything about the quality of his work.  My hope is that if people look him up that they will know what a terrible doctor he is.  He had a preconceived notion of what was wrong my my son and barely looked at him.  He is not "Doing No Harm", he is preying on tourists and desperate sick people.  DO NOT CALL DR. JOHN C. LANGLEY (aka Doctor On Call Key West Florida http://www.doctoroncallkeywest.com/).