Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Happy Breastfeeding Awareness Month

I cannot help but comment on this.  When I had little Ethan, I planned on exclusively breastfeeding for as long as it made sense in my family's life.  I pictured myself sitting peacefully with my baby and feeding him in the rocking chair my mother-in-law had used in her children's rooms.

Unfortunately, little Ethan had other plans.  He would not eat and I watched as my baby turned yellower and yellower from jaundice.  After a few days of battling, my mother bought me a pump and we supplemented with formula at the insistence of our pediatrician.  I stayed up nights crying because I was not able to do something that was supposed to be natural and was sold to me as the ultimate bonding experience between a mother and a baby.  I questioned whether he knew that I was his mother and if it would effect his health going forward.  Every day I tried to feed him "naturally" and finally around 8 weeks, he decided he was ready.  He received mostly breast milk until he was six months old.

Years later, I am still traumatized by the situation and a little angry at people who questioned whether I was doing things correctly.  When I wanted to give up, someone even mentioned that my choice might be a selfish one or the "easy way out".

 
The above picture was taken during a rally to support breastfeeding mothers in Richmond, Virginia.  I think the idea behind this is a good one.  I know that there are a lot of people who respond negatively about breastfeeding and I do not support that (I breastfed both of my children).  However, this is one of the group member's comments on the picture: "the child's immune system is established during breastfeeding--it's practically a sin not to do it".  Honestly, I think it's cruel to suggest that if someone does not breastfeed that it is a "practically a sin".

Anyhow, I just want to encourage everyone to be sensitive to other people's parenting choices.  It seems to me that a lot of the vibe I am getting from some of the pro-breastfeeding camp this month is that their way is the BEST way.  Medically, it is.  However, it's not always possible or the BEST option for some families.  Not to mention, 32 months of formula feeding would produce the same smiling child pictured above.

Some people choose formula.  Some people choose to breastfeed.  Some people choose both.  Some people don't have a choice.  This should not be "The Battle of the Bottle vs. the Boob".  It should be women and families supporting each other, not judging.

On another note, my sister brought it to my attention that people who do not having babies could interpret the term "Bfing" (meaning breastfeeding) the wrong way.  I can see how a Facebook post like "I was up all night 'bfing' and I'm exhausted!" could be misleading...food for thought.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Attack of the Social Media Supermom

Like most mothers (and people in general), I have a love/hate relationship going on with social media.  It is fun to see what your friends are up to, but it also calls attention to what you're not doing.  It has become a pretty competitive place for mothers.  Sometimes it seems like picture-posting is now a way of saying to everyone, "Look what I can do!"

Here is a list of professions that Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, etc. is challenging all mothers to become (seems pretty realistic to me!):

Party Planner
Each child's birthday must be as extravagant as a wedding reception.  The catch is that you need to make the cake and food from scratch.  Every decoration has to be something you saw on Pinterest and made yourself.

Gardener
Since you can only feed your child organic food, you must create your own garden (with organic seeds).  It has to be fruitful enough to feed your whole family and have enough flowers in it to decorate your entire home.

Devoted Mother and Wife
You love every minute of your family.  Your children are cute and clean.  You husband never comes homes late and is never aggravated with you.  Life is great!

Photographer
Every picture you take is a beautiful.  Grainy cell phone pictures are frowned upon.  If you don't have a nice enough camera to do the job, you need to hire someone to take professional pictures of your family and then post those.

Super Model
You will look the same as you did in high school after having a dozen children.  Post about how you are in your pre-pregnancy jeans while leaving the hospital.  You should also talk about how you weigh less right after having the baby than you did before you got pregnant.  Better yet, post bikini pictures holding your infant.

Holiday Guru
Every holiday is an important holiday.  Children must wear the appropriate colors for each holiday (even if they are an infant).  Leprechaun footprints made from food coloring will be somewhere fun in your house on St. Patrick's Day and your {organic} eggs must be green.

Professional Chef
You will prepare dinner every night for your family (and preferably post pictures as proof) with things you have made from scratch.  You get bonus points if you use "Pic Stitch" to show how you turned the vegetables you grew (see "gardener" section above) into a gourmet meal.

Above is the Bertolli frozen dinner I made for my family this evening.


Writer
You must blog about dirty diapers and breastfeeding (which you better be doing for 12 months!).  Your writing has to be funny and/or heartfelt.  You must share every post you write on Facebook.  You don't want people to think you're slacking.

The list could go on and on!  I must admit that I am guilty of a lot of these things.  I made Eliza's lemonade stand, I have a fancy camera, and write a blog (every few months).  However, I've only grown one tomato, have a half-dead rose bush, and have never made a cake.  Social media is fun, but let's not put unrealistic expectations on ourselves or peers.

Now, I'm off to make my own play dough, Christmas ornaments, and finger-paints...

Friday, July 12, 2013

I think this is good advice for all Dads (not just new ones).

Here is a sample of the post:

"Come home and get in the house. When you get home this is not the time to chit chat with the neighbor over the fence about how it’s gong with the new baby. Assume that it is always Lord of the Rings orc war in the house and get inside to relieve the day shift because your wife has probably been walking around with that baby thinking 'only have to hang in there 30 more minutes….29…..28.'"

For the rest of "THE NEW DAD’S GUIDE TO SURVIVING YOUR WIFE", click here:

Monday, July 8, 2013

Eliza's One! Time for Pink Lemonade.

My baby is not a baby anymore.  I would be lying if I said that I hadn't spontaneously broken into tears about the situation.  Eliza's first birthday was a little different than Ethan's because on his first birthday, I was four months pregnant.  With no new baby on the horizon, it was a bittersweet occasion watching my happy baby transition into a silly toddler.

We had a pink lemonade-themed shindig that went off without a hitch.  It was great to see my family and friends celebrating Eliza's first year of life.  Here are a few pictures of the cute pink and yellow event.






 






Saturday, March 16, 2013

Spend Some Time with Wordle

I have to give all the credit to my dad for introducing me to wordle.net.  Below is an example of a Word Cloud with the frequently used words in my blog.  I think it might be time to start writing more about Eliza...


Monday, January 21, 2013

Mommy, Daddy, Window, Hoo

There are A LOT of unpleasant things about parenthood.  A lot of times I get wrapped up in the whining, diapers, and spit-up.  This evening I will concentrate on one thing about parenthood that I am REALLY enjoying: talking.  Lately, Little Ethan has gone from my cute blobby baby to my chatty little companion.  Here are a few examples of why I love talking:
  • Happy: Yesterday, I asked Ethan if he was happy.  After pondering the question for a few seconds, he responded with, "Yeah".  Then he proceeded to hop all over the family room.  I guess he was hoppy.
  • Bob: Today our 28th fish (we have killed 27 in the past few months) joined the family.  Bob Wirt lives in a tank in our dining room.  Every time Ethan passes him, he greets him by saying, "Hi, Bob."
  • Yuggy Window:  I asked my little guy to sing me songs in the car.  Lately, I pick two words and he sings to me about them.  Today I heard a nice song about the "Cool Baby".
  • Boot: If he can say the word for something he owns, he becomes instantly obsessed with it.  His latest obsession is his boots or as he likes to call them, his "Boo" -  not to be confused with boo-boo (meaning band-aid or sticker).  Yesterday, Ethan napped in his boots.  Last night he slept in his boots.  He would have napped in them today if he had taken a nap.  I am hoping to get them off of his feet for tonight's bedtime.
  • Baby Homonyms (same word, different meaning)
    • Pees: Peas or Please
    • No: No or Nose
    • Boo: Surprise or Boot (see above)
    • Yummy: Food, Milk, or Dog Food
    • Rar: Roar, Bear, Lion, Tiger
    • Hoo: Owl or Great Uncle Hughie
    • Nogo: Don't Go or I will not go!
    • Nana/Nonny: Aunt Kelly, Christina, Banana
    • Ba: Sheep, Lamp, Goat, or Bath
As I am sitting here typing, my husband has just informed me that the boots have gone to bed along with Little Ethan.  I will be sneaking in momentarily to remove them.  Let's hope he doesn't wake up and say, "No go boo pees, Mommy".

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Five Hundred Twenty Five Thousand Six Hundred Diapers

If you are familiar with the theme song from Rent, you will understand the title of this blog.  It is a song that questions how you measure a year in your life.  Prior to having children, I probably would have measured my life in paychecks, compliments from my employer, and drunken outings with my friends and husband.

Now that I am a mother of two under the age of two, my life is measured in love...like the song references.  My love is demonstrated through a lot of things (that aren't always glamorous) - sloppy kisses, baths, spit-ups, and time-outs...just to name a few.

I have decided to answer the question, "How do you measure a year in the life?"  Today I made a point to talley the ways I measure my life - in paper towels, diaper changes, bottles, and trips up and down the stairs.  If every day were like today, this would be an accurate measure of a year in my life:

Paper Towels: 2,555 per year
Diaper Changes: 3,650 per year
Bottles: 2,920 per year
Trips up and down the Stairs: 6,935 per year

It's true.  I went up and down the stairs 19 times today - sometimes carrying my 31 pound boy and 16 pound girl at the same time.  Most days I am physically and mentally exhausted from the above stats.  However,  I think being a mother has helped me to measure my life in more important things than income.  Thank you to my babies for making diaper changes and bottles my new currency.  It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it.  I'm glad it's me.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Ephram, Derrick, and Melissa

The five people who read my blog have already heard this story.  I apologize for repeating it, but it is too weird not to write about.

Last Thursday, my mom and I took little Ethan for a very healthy lunch at McDonald's.  He was more interested in the play land than the food.  As I stood there watching my son become best friends with a five year old named Dillon, another little guy joined the mix.  He was the exact height as Ethan and immediately walked up to Little Ethan and "tickle tickled".  Anyone who know my little guy knows that he is obsessed with walking up to people and tickling them while saying "tickle tickle".  The new toddler's dad walked up next to me and I asked how old his son was.  As it turned out, Little Ephram was born 8 days before Little Ethan.  I'm fairly certain that Little Ethan is the Caucasian version of Little Ephram.

That night, Big Ethan and I headed out for Japanese food.  Ephram and Eliza...I mean Ethan and Eliza were at Zannie and Sampa's house when we were on our date.  We sat at a table with another couple and their two children.  We talked to the couple all through dinner.  Their children were two months older than our children - same age gap between them.  When dinner ended, we shared our contact information and asked each other's names.  The couple that we had been talking to all night were named Derrick and Melissa (a creepy resemblance to my in-laws' names - Eric and Melissa).

I guess the moral of this story is that when you feel alone, there are people out there that are living very similar and creepily parallel lives to your own.  The other moral is, if God comes to you in a dream and tells you to name your son Ephram, you do it....that's what Ephram's dad taught me.

Monday, November 26, 2012

V is for VERY Creepy

I think looking into someone's car is like catching a glimpse of a person's life.  For example, right now my car is a mess - filled with stale cheerios, a pack n play, and empty diet coke cans.  Obviously, I'm a tired mommy trying to keep her kids quiet while conserving calories by not drinking regular coke (oh I how I miss the fizzy burn of real coke).

The other day in the grocery store parking lot, this is what I saw in the car next to me:

 
What the hell does that say about their life?  Scary.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Mom Fail

The trouble with being at home with your kids most of the time is you have no gauge on how you are doing as a mother.  Then, you look at facebook and people's blogs and see nothing but smiling adorable children and stories about how insanely in love people are with their children and husband.  I would like to post some of the pictures that don't make it to facebook and are a more realistic view of life.  Here are some of my recent Mom Fails:


Fun with finger painting!

Made him a road on the floor out of blue painters tape.
 
Congrats on your engagement.

Oops.  Eliza couldn't sit up well enough yet.
 
What your stomach actually looks like after having a baby. Why am I out in public like this?


How cute!  We'll put the babies in pumpkins.


 
Schadenfreude!
Susanne

Friday, September 14, 2012

Hamsters Love Diberts

Now that I am a mother of two babies under the age of two, I literally have no time to do anything (especially write a blog).  So, instead of showering, brushing my teeth, or working I have decided to take a time-out and reflect on a few life lessons I have learned over the past few weeks.
  • If you've been pregnant for 20 months of the last three years, you can't just jump back into drinking.  Sadly, I learned this lesson at my brother's rehearsal dinner.  Red wine and I seemed to be getting along really well, but then things took an ugly turn.  Thank you to my family and friends for nursing me back to health and allowing me to enjoy Christian and Meredith's wedding.  Not to get too mushy, but it was a wonderful weekend and I feel very lucky to have a new Mr. and Mrs. Dibert in my life.
  • People who hit and run have no shame.  The other day I was sitting at a red light and the person behind me was too busy putting on her make-up to realize that she had taken her foot off the break.  She bumped me.  When the light turned green, I pulled into McDonald's (where I was headed anyway for breakfast) and pulled into a parking spot to discuss the incident.  To my surprise, the woman kept driving...right on through the drive through.  Not only did she hit my car, but she took my place in the drive through line.  Luckily there was no damage.  I hope they messed up her order.
  • Gangnam Style.  This video makes everything better: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bZkp7q19f0.  I don't know whether my friends and I should be proud or ashamed that we were watching this weirdness months before it was on The Today Show or Ellen.
  • If you get a spray tan, you can do anything!  I think spray tans have magical powers that make you more confident.  I blame spray tan for making me think it was ok to wear a bikini nine weeks after having a baby.  I later saw pictures of myself in a bathing suit and regret the decision.
  • Hamsters love Diberts and Diberts love hamsters. Thank you to Kelly Hughes for her words of wisdom. This phrase summed up the reasoning behind the gift she gave Little Ethan. He was the proud recipient of a stuffed hamster and coordinating book. You know that you've known someone a long time when they can recount your family's love affair with hamsters. Who can forget our first round of hamsters...
    • Katie - my hamster who escaped days after we got them for Christmas.  Her lookout tower mysteriously broke after Christian was playing with it....clearly I'm not still bitter about it. My grandmother may have accidentally flushed her down the toilet.
Hamster Lookout Tower

    • Al - Sammy's albino hamster who impregnated my second hamster, Rosie (named because she was chubby like Rosie O'Donnell), when I decided I wanted to be a hamster breeder. This was followed by a small bout of baby hamster cannibalism...
    • Cinnamon (aka Cinnie) - Kelly's hamster the most beloved of the hamsters. This was probably because she was a genius. She could escape any cage and would always run away to the cabinets under our bathroom sink, which essentially became her vacation home.
    • Jaws - Christian's first animal that was not named Christian. Jaws was named because of his reaction to being grabbed by his squealing five year old owner. Jaws ended up being the gentlest of all our hamster.
Thank you to everyone who helped teach me these life lessons.


Monday, August 13, 2012

Expect Everything and Set No Expectations

So, I hate birth stories.  I think they're gross, but I'm going to write one anyway...here we go!

Throughout my pregnancy people kept telling me how huge I was.  At four weeks until my due date, I was already "progressing" and our little one was positioned very low.  My doctor asked me how large my first child was.  When he heard the answer 8 pounds, 2 ounces he responded, "Would you be open to having the baby a week early.  She's probably going to be bigger than your first and you are a good candidate for induction".  At that point, I didn't have an answer for him.  Ethan and I discussed it and decided we would let nature take its course. 


After having a week of flashbacks from my recovery with Little Ethan, I became increasingly worried about having a giant baby.  "Little" Ethan was not so little and made his entry into the world in only two pushes, which left me with a third degree tear and a lot of healing to do.  If you don't know what a third degree tear is, feel free to google it.  However, I would not "google image" it...the results are probably terrifying.

So before my two week appointment, Ethan and I both created independent lists of pros and cons for inducing.  Our lists matched exactly.  One of the major pros was the fact that our doctor would be the one delivering our baby.  One of the cons was that there is some research that suggests it is 1% more likely that your birth will end in a c-section.  Since my mother had four children and no c-sections, I felt pretty confident that it was not going to happen to me.


In our opinion the pros outweighed the cons and we decided to induce.  We headed into the hospital on the morning of June 29th to meet our baby girl. 

We should have known it was not going to be a smooth day when he got on the elevator.  The elevator randomly stopped between floors and violently pitched up and down for minutes as Ethan and I frantically searched for the emergency button, which was no where to be found.  Finally, as I yelled for Ethan to call 911, the elevator stopped.  We stumbled out of the doors and told a nurse, who did not seem concerned.  We wanted to take the stairs up to the maternity ward, but there were no non-emergency stairs (a security measure in case people try and steal a baby...creepy).  Shaking, Ethan and I climbed back on the elevator with a nurse escort (to protect us from the elevator?) and reached the maternity floor safely.

We checked in and I put on my backless robe and settled into bed.  My doctor came in and commented on how small my baby bump was and said he thought she'd be about 7.5 pounds.  The nurse agreed.  This was pretty much opposite of what I had been told my whole pregnancy.  I was expecting at least an 8 pounder.

My doctor broke my water and my contractions began.  My "birth plan" was the same as last time - try and enjoy the situation as much as possible and get my epidural early.  My plan worked like a charm last time.  Besides being insanely nervous, I had a very easy and painless labor. 

After having contractions and making small talk with the nurse, I got my epidural.  We were on our way!  My doctor told me labor would probablybe quicker this time since it was my second baby and she was positioned so low.  I was contracting well and we all thought we'd have a baby by early afternoon.

At about 2 pm, we were all getting aggravated.  My nurse was confused as to why I wasn't progressing faster.  She could literally feel the baby's hair (yuck...but exciting...bows!).  My doctor came in to check me and was also surprised at the lack of progress.

My family had been in the waiting room for hours and I was sure they were blaming me for the slow labor.  I just knew they were all thinking, "She never should have induced".  During all of this, I should have concentrated on the positive.  Instead, I wanted to take my mom and husband's iPhones and stomp on them and send everyone in the waiting room home so I could stop imagining them judging me.

At 5 pm, my doctor let us know that he had dinner plans with another couple and would be leaving within the next hour to go get Thai food.  So much for that pro!

By 6:45, my doctor was enjoying his dinner and I was in tears because of the pain and frustration.  At that point, I realized that my epidural was not nearly as effective as it was last time.  I should have known something wasn't quite right when the nurse seemed confused when I was announcing my contractions earlier in the day and commenting on their strength.  At this point, it was time for Eliza to be born and there was no amount of pain meds that would get in my system quick enough to get me any relief.

The doctor on-call came to my room and told me it was time to push.  I was in a blinding amount of pain and tears were streaming down my face.  I looked over at my husband and mother and saw that they weren't doing much better than I was.  My mom was in tears and Ethan didn't know what to do.


After a few pushes, the doctor (who, by the way, was very young and pregnant) told me that my baby was positioned correctly...with the exception of her head.  Her head was tilted back (as if she was looking up).  This is a bad position because it is literally the largest a baby can make their head.  The hugely pregnant doctor tried to reposition our little girls head while I pushed in an attempt to get her out.  When our little girl repeatedly tilted her head back after being repositioned the doctor called for nurse back up.  They ended up have to use a suction machine and the doctor to keep her head in place so she would be able to come out.  All of this occurred in a 15 or 20 minute span.

Finally, Eliza was born.  It was the most emotional moment of my life.  I finally met my daughter and the excruciating pain ended.  I was almost too shaky to hold her, but managed to keep it together enough to give her her very first hugs.


Eliza Kelly was born at 7:10 on June 29th.  She was 7 pounds, 5 ounces and was 19.25 inches tall.

The consensus from the hospital staff was that she would have been born in the early afternoon had her head been positioned correctly.  Instead, she spent the afternoon and evening contracting against my pelvis.  I made it through with a level two tear and some pretty extreme bruising.  The doctor realized my epidural was not working correctly when I could feel her stitching me up.  A shot of Novocain gave me the most relief I had felt in at least an hour.

My family met our olive-skinned brunette (surprise!) in shifts when she was about 30 minutes old.  I was too overwhelmed to see everyone at one time.  Grandparents, then siblings, then cousins and great aunts and uncles.  I have never wanted to hug my father so much.  It was the best hug of my life and a moment I will never forget.


There were a million other amazing moments that occurred in the days to follow. 

Eliza is now six weeks old.  I am not completely healed and am fighting an infection caused by breastfeeding.  All that said, she and Little Ethan are completely worth it.  I would go through an infinite amount more for them.  Our family feels even more complete with her in it.  Even though days can be hard, I don't know if I have ever felt so happy with my life.



Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Props to Hands Free Mama

I am constantly surprised that something that is supposed to connect us to the world manages to isolate and distract us from the people that we are physically with.  I am guilty of this and could not agree more with this blog post.

http://www.handsfreemama.com/?p=3942




Thursday, April 26, 2012

Preppy Parenting Reminder

I had a great day today.  I met my nephew (who made a very dramatic entrance into the world two weeks early in his father's car...which I realize would make a more interesting blog post than the one I am writing, but it's not my story to tell).  After that, it was time to buy the newest Wirt boy gifts.  I picked up some little things for him from the Williamsburg Outlets.  After I finished walking my ginormous self (10 weeks to go!) all over that place, I went to my car to leave.

As I was pulling out of the shopping center, I spotted the Ralph Lauren Polo Outlet.  I parked and hoped that I would find some matching outfits for my little people.  I was successful, but that was not the highlight of my Polo experience.



I walked through the check-out maze and prepared myself to answer questions about my due date, the sex of my future child, and if I had chosen a name.  The check-out guy looked giddy as I walked up, which made me particularly hesitant.  As I handed him my two tiny navy blue purchases, he said, "We found out what we're having today."  He then explained that he and his wife were keeping the sex of their baby a secret from friends and family, but he thought it would be ok if he told me.  He could barely contain his excitement when he told me.  His secret is safe with me.

He may have told the next customer the same thing, but something tells me he didn't.  He even whispered the gender to me so his co-workers wouldn't hear.  It was a really touching moment.  That man is in love with his 20 week old baby-to-be and his excitement was contagious.

Being pregnant is not fun.  However, today it was.  I was reminded of how lucky I am to get the opportunity to be a parent.  So, thank you little nephew and future daddy in the Polo Outlet....you are what life is all about!


Sunday, April 22, 2012

Playing the Name Game

Sophronia, Sophronia
Bo, Bophronia
Banana, Fanna Foe, Fophronia
Me, My, Moe, Mophronia
Sophronia!

Wow, that's going to go over really well in a kindergarten classroom!  Anyone who has ever attempted to name a child knows what I am currently going through.  I always thought that I would name my first girl after my mother and grandmother, who have been the biggest female influences in my life.  Since I got pregnant, I realized what a challenge I had set myself up for.

Let's start with my grandmother's name: Florence Mary.  Florence is my sister's first name, but she goes by Kelly and has told me she wouldn't mind if I used Florence.  The issue is, that even though I know "Grandma Chic" names are coming back into style, I worry that my baby girl won't be able to  rock a name like Florence.  It gets even worse when I imagine my elementary age little girl being called Flo-baby or Flossy by her fellow classmates.  All of that aside, I still don't feel quite right about using my sister's name even if she doesn't go by it.  That leaves Mary, which is the name of my parents' cat.

Let's move on to my mother: Susanne Waring.  I have the same name as my mother, but have always gone by my first and middle name when around family.  My mother is Susanne and I am Susanne May (Smay).  However, as I got older, somehow people morphed me into Susanne and I didn't correct them.  I still answer to both and don't prefer one over the other.  I like my name, but have never imaged using it for the first name of my child...not sure why.  Plus, Ethan, Ethan, Susanne, and Susanne could get a little confusing (it's slightly different from my family's Sam, Sammy, Susanne, and Susanne May).  That leaves me with Waring Wirt.  Enough said.

When I look back into the family trees of Ethan and my family, I found a lot of female name  "winners": Sophronia, Blue Bell, Slingluff, Eugenia, Agnes, Leota, Force, Mildred, Nutt, and the list goes on.  I thought I had found a good one when I saw Rosalie, but then realized (thanks to the help of my sister) that this name has recently spiked in popularity because Rosalie is a character in the Twilight series.  Yuck.

 Rosalie from Twilight

Rosalie from my family

I guess we can always go with my mom's or sister's suggestions....Slingluff Nutt or Florence the Force Wirt.  Good grief.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Life Lessons

I say a lot of weird things in a day.  Here is a sampling of the daily life lessons I am trying to pass onto my little guy:

  • Do not sit on the doggie's head.
  • Don't drink milk straight from the gallon...it's too big for you.

  • Don't eat rocks.
  • Don't throw rocks.
  • Let's just put down the rocks.
  • Books do not go in the toilet.
  • Trash cans are not toy boxes.  Don't put your toys in them and don't take the trash out.
  • Do not slam the doggie's head in the door.
  • Mommie's cell phone doesn't need a bath.
  • Don't give the dog a sip of your water.  She doesn't know how to use a sippy cup.
  • Don't tinkle on the floor.
With all this direction I need to give my fourteen month-old, I didn't think I'd have to give advice to Fiona too....

Do not sneak out of the house and get in the baby's car seat.

The Onion...Hilarious

http://www.theonion.com/articles/study-finds-newborn-infants-can-tell-if-parents-ar,27698/


I hope our babies don't think we're losers....yikes.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Worse than a Dirty Baby

As I sit here with the remote resting on my five month pregnant stomach, sharing Baskin-Robbins Cookie Dough Ice Cream with my cat, Noel...I am reflecting on the baby things I should and shouldn't have purchased when I was pregnant with Little Ethan.  I will be a more educated Mommy this time around!
Things I thought were weird and stupid before I had a baby, but now I know better:
  • Nuby Snack Keeper:  Apparently, babies like to throw food....and sometimes family members even encourage their throwing by cracking up at the action.  Nuby Snack Keepers allow solid food snackers to reach into the bowl and grab their own snacks without dumping the whole bowl over.  The result - no more spills or throws and no more giggling family members.
  • Munchkin Dishwasher Basket: When you're a mommy, bottles and bottle accessories become your calling card.  I leave something almost everywhere I go.  Therefore, I am always short on bottles.  Until I got the dishwasher basket, I also lost a lot of bottles and accessories to the heating element in my dishwasher.  A good life lesson - a melted nipple is never a good thing.
Munchkin Deluxe Dishwasher Basket - Green - 14301g

Things I will not purchase this time around or for any of the bazillion pregnant friends I have:
  • Shopping Cart Protectors: This is a completely personal opinion.  I know people that use them and love them.  Personally, I have enough to carry - a baby, a diaper bag (stocked with diapers, wipes, toys, sippy cups, bottles, my wallet, my keys, the baby's toy keys, etc.)  I cannot imagine one more thing to wrestle with while walking into a store.
  • Baby Towels:  They are the same thing as washcloths.  Now I have a million washcloths with monkeys and whales on them.  I literally have enough to do multiple loads of laundry composed of only baby towels.  In my house, many of them are now expensive cleaning rags.
  • Burt's Bees Baby Shampoo: It smells worse than a dirty baby.

Friday, February 17, 2012

20 down, 20 to go.

Today, I am officially 20 weeks pregnant.  I am HALFWAY to the end of being pregnant and the beginning of being even sleepier!  On the car ride to work today, I found myself reflecting on the pros and cons of pregnancy.  Here are a few I came up with...

WARNING: continue reading at your own risk.  This is a TRUTHFUL blog post about pregnancy.

Pros at 20 Weeks
Cons at 20 Weeks
At 20 weeks pregnant, you have what others consider a “cute” bump.
You feel fat.
Food tastes delicious and doesn’t make you queasy anymore.
Delicious food gives you forest fire strength heartburn.
You can walk around in the heat without wanting to be sick or pass out.
When you walk around, your ankles look like the Nutty Professor
Your hair looks the best it’s ever looked.
However, you know as soon as you have the baby, a lot of your hair will fall out.
You’re curvier in all the right places.
You have stretch marks in all the right places too.
You can still see your legs when you’re shaving them in the shower.
You pull a muscle in your back when you lean over to shave your legs.
Your skin is glowing.
Your skin has skin tags.
You can feel your baby kick.
Your baby likes to practice Kung Fu while you are sleeping.
You made it through 20 weeks of being pregnant, including the dreaded 1st trimester
Wait a second…I still have 20 weeks to go and haven’t even made it to the dreaded third trimester!

Good luck to all the other mommies and future mommies who are also halfway there!

Moms I'd Like to Punch.

I am extremely upset that I did not write this...


"Who are MILPs?


MILPs are a growing group of annoying, offensive moms who are a menace to the general population of weary moms innocently minding their own business, and just trying to survive till the next nap. Their sole mission in life is to make your life harder and to question your own judgment, while advancing their own evil mom agendas. While most MILPs are merely clueless, self-absorbed and insecure, the most hardened MILPs can be judgmental, obnoxious, intrusive and downright dangerous.  Here's a list of the worst offenders:

Sanctimommies


These sanctimonious, holier-than-thou moms are my arch-enemies. Yet I'll be the first to admit that I have my own inner sanctimommy moments all the time. This uptight breed of mom can be recognized with their permanently pursed lips, constantly rolling eyes and eyebrows raised in disbelief at your inept parenting. Under the veil of anonymity, these moms get their judgmental fix on the Internet by trolling parenting message boards and persecuting moms who work, circumcise, use pacifiers, don't breastfeed through grade school, don't practice attachment parenting, watch TV, use disposable diapers and don't buy organic. Emboldened by their bullying success, some moms graduate to...

Drive-by parents


This mom is known for her hit-and-run style of snarky color commentating. She's that mom in the checkout line at the grocery store who will hiss in disapproval and dismay at the balloon and lollipop you allow the checkout clerk to hand to your toddler by saying, "I hope you know that those are both choking hazards!" and zoom off. These moms are the most insidious because they hastily leave the scene of their crime before the shocked victims can react -- or retaliate.

Typhoid Marys


Their kids are always, always sick and they never, ever keep them home from school or playdates. Even if their kids are home with diarrhea and vomiting from the rotovirus, these moms will drop off the homemade muffins lovingly made with their infected hands for the entire class to share at the Christmas party their darlings were forced to miss. Whenever there's an outbreak of any contagion, you can be sure that their kids are patient zero! 

Germaphobes


Conversely, these germ vigilantes are the natural enemies of the clueless Typhoid Marys. They're always on the alert for cooties and will shoot you the stink eye if your child so much as sneezes or farts in their child's general direction. These moms never leave home without Lysol wipes and Purell in their diaper bag and can be seen barking, "Don't Touch That!" to their offspring in public restrooms.

Alpha moms


She's the momager who micromanages every detail of the class holiday party and is quick to smack down any parent who dares to deviate from how she wants things done. She is usually PTA president or room parent at your school and rules her fiefdom with a well-manicured, iron fist.

Hovercraft mom


If she could wind bubble wrap around her child, she would. This quintessentially overprotective mom hovers within striking distance of her offspring and yours (if they dare approach) at all times. She monitors every interaction, poised to intervene if your child so much as crosses their eyes at her precious.

Slactivist moms


These are the totally inattentive moms at the park who either pretend not to notice and/or simply don't care that their feral, freakishly large-for-their-age, hell spawn are running amok, knocking your toddler down and kicking sand in their face. Yet any attempt on your part to impose order is met with a glacial stare and outright hostility.

Road warriors


Cocooned in their oversized SUVs, these moms are a menace during drop-off and pick-up times at school. Double-parking, blocking driveways, rear-ending cars with their piss-poor parallel parking skills and hitting pedestrians are all in a day's work. These moms are the most dangerous of MILPs and the traffic cops are never around to slap them with a badly-needed citation. They need to put down their lip gloss wands and cell phones and go back to driving school."

Written by Minsun Park from the following website:

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Not a Reverse Henry the Eighth

On Monday, Sammy, Christian, Kelly, my Dad, Ethan, Little Ethan, and I sat in the sonogram waiting area.  My posse and I stood around entertaining Little Ethan and trying not to take up too much room in the hallway.  I was nervous...if you've ever been pregnant, you know that you get nervous every time before an appointment (I often find myself wondering if the kicks I feel are just my imagination and praying that I will hear the heartbeat as soon as the doctor looks for it).

They called my name and actually pronounced it correctly (typically my name is Susan Wart to strangers)!  Our large group filed into the little dark sonogram room and the technician began to get an overwhelmed look on her face.  She decided it would be best if our guests came in and out of the room in shifts.

Sammy and Kelly took the first shift.  As soon as the sonogram started, we saw our little one wiggling like a maniac (phew!).  The sonogram technician took some measurements and Sammy commented that he was surprised how low the baby was....I bet he was surprised.  I was a little panicked when I had to roll my pants down to my bathing suit line.

As our little guy was screaming in the waiting room, I was thinking, "Little brother or little sister?  Little brother or little sister?"  Ethan wasn't wondering about anything, he even said "Look at my little boy" as soon as he saw the baby on the screen.

We were shocked when the technician said, "This is a little girl".  I must admit, tears streamed down my face.  I had been worrying that I would have the reverse Henry VIII issue and only have boys.  Don't get me wrong, I love my little boy...but there is something nice about having one of your own kind.

Our Little Girl

Kelly, my Dad, and Little Ethan came in for their shift and I told Little Ethan that he was going to have a little sister.  My dad immediately got my mom on speaker phone and asked her if she had all of her pink stuff ready.  She burst in to tears and choked out the words, "Susanne May, you're going to have a daughter".

After all of that, we got to watch our wiggly little girl while the technician took other measurements.  I am pleased to report that everything looked perfect.  We even got to see her nose and mouth...there was no sign of a cleft chin...yet.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Over 140, but Carrying Low

It's 1 hour and 10 minutes until we find out whether our baby is a boy or a girl.  I am VERY excited and wondering about the validity of all the "old wives's tales".  So, I decided to put them to the test.  In an hour and nine minutes, we will know how accurate they are....
  • The Ring Test: Take your wedding ring and attach it to a thread. Hold the dangling item over mom-to-be's belly while she is lying down. If the needle or wedding ring swings in a strong circular motion, you will be having a girl. If it moves in a to and fro motion like a pendulum, you will be having a boy.  THE VERDICT: BOY
  • Sweet cravings means you're having a boy.  Sour cravings means you're having a girl.  THE VERDICT: BOY
  • If you are carrying low, you're having a boy.  If you're carrying high, you're having a girl.  THE VERDICT: BOY
  • If your husband is gaining weight, you're having a boy.  If he isn't, you're having a girl: THE VERDICT: GIRL
  • Fetal heartbeat of below 140 means boy.  Above 140 means girl: THE VERDICT: GIRL
  • Chinese Gender Predictor: Legend says that the gender chart is more than 700 years old and was discovered in a royal tomb. It predicts your baby's sex based on your Chinese lunar age at the time you got pregnant and the Chinese lunar month in which you conceived.  THE VERDICT: GIRL
  • Mother's Intuition: Supposedly correct 70% of the time.  THE VERDICT: I'M TOO CONFUSED AT THIS POINT.  I originally thought I was having a girl.  However, everyone else in the world seems to think I am having a boy, which has swayed my "intuition".
I guess only time (and a conclusive sonogram) will tell!  We will have the results in 55 minutes!!!!!!!

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Do Not Call Dr. John C. Langley

I would consider myself to be a pretty laid back mom.  However, when Little Ethan's head felt like it was a thousand degrees I was frantic.  I was even more worried because we were on vacation and away from our normal pediatrician.  I grabbed my phone and googled "Key West Doctor".  I clicked on the third link down and got the contact information for Dr. John C. Langley.

He picked up his phone at 7:30 am when I called, which I thought was a good sign.  Unfortunately, that was the last good thing he did.  I told him about the little guy's fever and he told me it was probably a middle ear infection and that he would be able to come to us and check him out.  He explained that he had two appointments and would be able to see us by late morning.

Little Ethan went down for his morning nap and I felt relieved that a doctor would be there soon.  When nap time was over, I went to pick my baby up and he was ever warmer than he was before (even though he had already taken baby Tylenol).  My mind immediately went to brain damage and all sorts of other terrible scenarios.  It was around 10:30, so I rushed to my phone and called the doctor.  He sounded annoyed that I called and stressed to me that there was a line and I was going to have to wait my turn.  After that, he told me that my child was fine and to give him another dose of baby Tylenol or try baby Advil.  He then told me that it was just a fever from an ear infection.

I drove to CVS almost taking out every biker and pedestrian that crossed my path.  I got baby Advil and a thermometer.  As I drove back, I decided that if his fever was over 102 degrees that I would call 911.  His fever was 101, so we stayed put to wait for the doctor.

At 11:00, Dr. Langley called me and told me he was his way to his second patient and that he would get to us at 12:15.  He finally showed up around 1:00 pm in a rumpled light blue polo shirt covered in perspiration.

As my child laid on my shoulder burning up from fever, he went on and on about how he likes to make children comfortable with him before he examines them.  He pulled out a pack of stickers for my 12 month old to play with (like he even knows what a sticker is).  About an hour into the appointment, he still hadn't looked at the baby. 

When he finally did, he was grabbing at Little Ethan's face with his unwashed hands in an attempt to look in his ears.  He told me that one of his ears was infected (even though he couldn't get a clear look at it because it was impacted by wax).  Dr. Langley listened to his lungs and told me they were clear.  He pulled out a bunch of dirty conversion charts in order to write a prescription.  He had to do the math multiple times because he kept confusing himself.  To my surprise, he never looked at his throat, teeth, nose, or any other party of him.  I mentioned a rash that had developed on his shoulders and pulled back Little Ethan's shirt for him to see.  He didn't seem very interested and diagnosed it as heat rash.

What I showed Dr. Langley

At this point, my little guy was asleep on my should and burning up.  Dr. Langley had been with us for two hours and was still going on and on about how he has so many patients that need things to be converted to metric and how his daughter was a fashion consultant who traveled to China and Venice.  Finally, he told us that he would need $280 for the visit....cash only.  Thank goodness my mother had the amount so we could get rid of him.

Because of his clumsiness with conversions, I called me regular pediatrician to check his work.  They told me that the antibiotic he gave me was correct.  However, he also instructed me to give him a children's strength anti-histamine (even though he had no congestion).  My pediatrician seemed shocked - that type of medicine is not supposed to be used on anyone younger than four.

Even though I was disgusted with Dr. Langley's behavior, professionalism, and dirty appearance, I was happy to have the anti-biotic.  I figured it would help any sort of infection that he had.

Later that evening, the baby seemed to be feeling better.  We went to get in the car for dinner and to our surprise, a car pulled up next to ours and rolled down the window.  It was Dr. Langley again.  We quickly answered his questions so he would go away.  I don't know why he was right outside of the place we were staying, but I do know that it gave me the creeps.

After dinner, we experienced the night from hell.  Little Ethan was up all night screaming out and hyperventilating in pain.  I ended up bursting into tears while my mother rocked the baby....thank goodness she was here. 

The next morning, my mom and I felt and looked like we had been hit my a bus.  However, Little Ethan seemed to be doing better.  His fever had broken thanks to the Tylenol and motrin we had been giving him and he was in a better mood.  The only thing that changed was that his rash looked blistered.  I figured that since he had such a high fever, it probably made the heat rash worse.

After Little Ethan's second nap of the day, we were all hopeful that he had turned a corner.  The little guy and I walked outside and found my mom.  I showed her the blister on one of his hands and told her that the fever must have made his heat rash worse.  Then, I flipped over his arm to examine the underside.....which was completely broken out in  rash that was not there an hour ago.

My mom and I rushed to the car with Little Ethan, who wasn't even wearing any pants.  Thank goodness my mom found out about a clinic earlier (she wanted to make sure we never had to use Dr. Langley again).  We arrived at 4:45 to find out that it closed at 4:30.  I was about to burst into tears again when a nurse walked out of the clinic.  I jumped out of the car and explained our predicament.

She was incredible.  She had us follow her to an after hours clinic and even stayed until our appointment was over.  I could go into detailed description about how wonderful and professional the people at the clinic were, but that would take away from the point.

The diagnosis - NO EAR INFECTION.  My poor little man has Hand Foot and Mouth Disease.  It is a painful virus that causes rash and blisters (specifically on the hands, feet, and mouth), sore throat, and a high fever.

My Baby's Foot
I would like to apologize for the incredibly long post, but when I looked up Dr. John C. Langley, I couldn't find anything about the quality of his work.  My hope is that if people look him up that they will know what a terrible doctor he is.  He had a preconceived notion of what was wrong my my son and barely looked at him.  He is not "Doing No Harm", he is preying on tourists and desperate sick people.  DO NOT CALL DR. JOHN C. LANGLEY (aka Doctor On Call Key West Florida http://www.doctoroncallkeywest.com/).